the blog about nothing: bringing on the hurt


1. pizza hut vs. fingerhut: as these two step into the ring, no one knows what to expect except pure unadulterated anarchy. and that's exactly what we get as pizza hut pulls a four-for-all right on top of page 52 of fingerhut's random assortment of crap you never knew you needed. that could have been all she wrote, but fingerhut strikes back with the flobee and three different versions of bigmouth billy bass. take me to the river, indeed. breadsticks and salad bar rush in to pizza hut's defense, but their popularity is no match for the obscure horror of the home haircut apron-trough and fingerhut continues to reign as the heavy weight champion of the huts.

2. leon phelps, the ladies' man vs. brian fellow: leon phelps, the smooth talking ladies' man is a lover, not a fighter. but that doesn't stop him from putting the moves on brian fellow... the pain moves that is. however, brian fellow and his gang of furry friends from animal safari quickly strike back crying "THAT'S CRAZY!" indeed. this cage match gets crazier than a rabbit cutting its own hair or a monkey washing a cat. just as it appears we'll be unable to figure out what's man and what's beast, brian fellow comes out on top as phelps is distracted by a prospective date in the audience.

3. the jewish elvis vs. the elvis: this may well be the contest of the year, folks. while the elvis is obviously king, the jewish elvis has some streetwise moves that make this a fight to the finish. i don't know anyone who doesn't love both neil diamond and elvis presley... anyone worth knowing that is. it seems that the 70s elvis is in the ring and his sheer size alone ensures that this fight goes ugly early. but, after neil turns on his heartlight, the elvis is all shook up and is itching like a man on a fuzzy tree. this rivalry is jumpsuit central and full of exposed chest hair, making this one a hard one to watch. even so, good times have never been so good and in the end this match is a draw as these two superstars combine forces and open up their own vegas dinner theater.

4. cheez whiz vs. easy cheese: on the surface it seems like cheez whiz is the easy favorite here, being the standard against which all cheesefood products are measured. with the power of two Zs, cheez whiz tosses easy cheese around the ring without breaking a sweat. but just as easy cheese is on the ropes, it uses its last ounce of energy and blasts cheez whiz out of the arena with its extreme (and convenient!) aerosol power. remember this lesson, sports fans, pressurized cheese is not a toy.

5. tag team: hoagies & grinders vs. sloppy joe & meatball sandwich: this is the quintessential battle between the "establishment" of sandwiches and the ragtag team from the loose meat sandlot. the team of hoages and grinders have organization, sponsorship and good looks on their side, but their slick arrogance proves to be their downfall as the alliance of sloppy joe and meatball sandwich fights dirty and there is no amount of paper towel that can contain this brutal scene. the boys from the sub shop are sent packing as lunch lady makes a special appearance and opens up her own special USDA approved can of whoop-ass.