all we are sayin' is give peace a chance...

i've been asked by various betting agencies to help them come up with some odds for a few very important cage matches coming up in the 2003 season. so... i'll ask you: are you ready to rumble????

1. apple sauce vs. apple butter while it would seem that apple sauce would win due to its sheer popularity. but consider the power of apple butter's spicy kick. sure it's from the country, but they got diff'rent rules for fightin' out there, if you know what i mean. apple butter is sexy and saucy... and pins apple sauce in seconds flat.

2. american idol vs. star search american idol may have more attitude, but star search has ed mcmahon... and ed can kick anyone's ass. anyone. ed and his prize patrol of pain.

3. shake your bon-bon vs. livin' la vida loca tough match here. at first i was inclined to pick livin' la vida loca right off the back as the clear winner... it has a violent streak... and it's crazy. however shake your bon-bon comes on strong just before the bell with its repetitive shaking of the bon-bon and crushes livin' la vida loca with amazing force thanks to lyrics like "i'm a desperado... underneath your window". shake your bon-bon pulls out all the stops to win and has the crowd out of their seats and singing this infectious groove all day long.

4. scary spice vs. allspice the spice girls only had power as a group, so now that they are a defunct and shattered dream... allspice comes off the rack and crashing into the arena, defeating anything in its path. it's got the benefit of all-encompassing goodness... it wants it all and it wants it now.

5. miss cleo vs. a magic 8 ball the magic 8-ball is a classic favorite and has dominated the fortune telling scene for years... but this jamaican seer quickly puts the hurt on the 8-ball with phrases such as "he be the daddy" and "call me now"... "it is decidedly so" never had a chance.

6. dick cheney vs. dick clark let's see... a heartbeat away vs. it's got a beat and i can dance to it. tough choice, but i'm going to have to go with clark. he's apparently defeated aging, so i'm going to have to predict that there's nothing he can't beat.

7. krispy kreme vs. dunkin' donuts krispy kreme is clearly a superior donut product... it's made fresh each day right before your eyes... it's inspired a cult of loyal followers. so how can we even call this a fair fight? two words: blueberry munchkin. dunkin' donuts uses this secret weapon to come at krispy kreme from all sides and shows it that it's truly "time to make the donuts".

8. pat sajack vs. alex trebek sajack: he's built up those arms over the years spinning that wheel. i'd take "he'll whoop my ass" for $300, alex.

9. bozo the clown vs. homey da clown homey's got the skills from the 'hood... he's rumbled in the bronx and took on south central. i predict bozo's going to be 'jumped in'.

10. turkey bacon vs. real bacon let's get this straight right here and right now. turkey bacon is not bacon at all. i barely believe that it's turkey. do me a favor and stay on the thanksgiving table turkey, because real bacon will! go! all! the! way!

hooo-ah!