All You Need Is Glue

Jamelah: chips and salsa is an okay dinner, right?
Caryn: i have it quite often, so it must be
Caryn: and dude
Caryn: Cruise Ship Escapes Pirate Hijack Attempt
Jamelah: whoa
Caryn: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051106/ap_on_re_af/pirate_attack
Caryn: i suppose that shouldn't be funny
Jamelah: it's awesome
Jamelah: of course, i'm evil
Caryn: of course then there's this: Man glued to toilet seat, sues store
Jamelah: hahah
Jamelah: i saw that
Caryn: shortly followed by
Caryn: Man Sues Ex-Girlfriend Over Glue Attack
Caryn: is glue becoming the new menace?
Jamelah: yes
Caryn: why would you even want to publicize this
Caryn: Kenneth Slaby is suing his ex-girlfriend -- for gluing his you-know-what to his stomach. The Pittsburgh man also charges that Gail O'Toole glued his butt cheeks together
Caryn: butt cheeks
Caryn: since when does the news say "butt cheeks"?
Jamelah: maybe she thought it was a fraternity hazing
Caryn: hahahah
Caryn: Gail O'Toole
Caryn: that sounds fake
Jamelah: i'm just cracking up
Jamelah: because i'm wondering
Jamelah: did she do this all in one go?
Caryn: A Pittsburgh man took the stand yesterday in Westmoreland County Court to detail how "scared and puzzled" he was when his former girlfriend painted his body with nail polish and Super-Glued his genitals and buttocks.
Jamelah: or did she glue the penis one day and the butt cheeks another day?
Caryn: hahahahah
Caryn: i'm totally crying laughing
Caryn: scared and puzzled
Jamelah: hahaha
Caryn: i can see him scratching his head
Caryn: stroking his chin
Caryn: hmmmmmm
Jamelah: what's going on here?
Caryn: well i'll be!
Caryn: sumbuddy glued my nads!
Jamelah: hahahahah
Caryn: doesn't that beat all???
Caryn: /can't breathe
Jamelah: hahah
Jamelah: at least she didn't cut it off
Jamelah: because, well, i'm sure that would be worse
Jamelah: which reminds me
Jamelah: do you remember that story that feral posted on litkicks forever ago about some woman cutting off her boyfriend's ass?
Jamelah: and then we wrote a limerick about it?
Caryn: hahahahah
Caryn: vaguely
Caryn: i mean ... which time?
Caryn: hahahah
Jamelah: hahah
Jamelah: i don't remember any of the details except thinking "who cuts OFF someone's ASS?"
Caryn: yeah that seems pretty difficult
Jamelah: especially when you could just glue his nads
Caryn: yeah
Caryn: because really the glue's doing all the work
Jamelah: exactly

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the blog about nothing: bringing on the hurt


1. pizza hut vs. fingerhut: as these two step into the ring, no one knows what to expect except pure unadulterated anarchy. and that's exactly what we get as pizza hut pulls a four-for-all right on top of page 52 of fingerhut's random assortment of crap you never knew you needed. that could have been all she wrote, but fingerhut strikes back with the flobee and three different versions of bigmouth billy bass. take me to the river, indeed. breadsticks and salad bar rush in to pizza hut's defense, but their popularity is no match for the obscure horror of the home haircut apron-trough and fingerhut continues to reign as the heavy weight champion of the huts.

2. leon phelps, the ladies' man vs. brian fellow: leon phelps, the smooth talking ladies' man is a lover, not a fighter. but that doesn't stop him from putting the moves on brian fellow... the pain moves that is. however, brian fellow and his gang of furry friends from animal safari quickly strike back crying "THAT'S CRAZY!" indeed. this cage match gets crazier than a rabbit cutting its own hair or a monkey washing a cat. just as it appears we'll be unable to figure out what's man and what's beast, brian fellow comes out on top as phelps is distracted by a prospective date in the audience.

3. the jewish elvis vs. the elvis: this may well be the contest of the year, folks. while the elvis is obviously king, the jewish elvis has some streetwise moves that make this a fight to the finish. i don't know anyone who doesn't love both neil diamond and elvis presley... anyone worth knowing that is. it seems that the 70s elvis is in the ring and his sheer size alone ensures that this fight goes ugly early. but, after neil turns on his heartlight, the elvis is all shook up and is itching like a man on a fuzzy tree. this rivalry is jumpsuit central and full of exposed chest hair, making this one a hard one to watch. even so, good times have never been so good and in the end this match is a draw as these two superstars combine forces and open up their own vegas dinner theater.

4. cheez whiz vs. easy cheese: on the surface it seems like cheez whiz is the easy favorite here, being the standard against which all cheesefood products are measured. with the power of two Zs, cheez whiz tosses easy cheese around the ring without breaking a sweat. but just as easy cheese is on the ropes, it uses its last ounce of energy and blasts cheez whiz out of the arena with its extreme (and convenient!) aerosol power. remember this lesson, sports fans, pressurized cheese is not a toy.

5. tag team: hoagies & grinders vs. sloppy joe & meatball sandwich: this is the quintessential battle between the "establishment" of sandwiches and the ragtag team from the loose meat sandlot. the team of hoages and grinders have organization, sponsorship and good looks on their side, but their slick arrogance proves to be their downfall as the alliance of sloppy joe and meatball sandwich fights dirty and there is no amount of paper towel that can contain this brutal scene. the boys from the sub shop are sent packing as lunch lady makes a special appearance and opens up her own special USDA approved can of whoop-ass.

jamelah: i bought some cheez-its last night
jamelah: and i forgot to bring them with me today
firecracker: regular cheez-its
firecracker: i'm pissed at cheez-its actually
jamelah: dude
jamelah: wtf
firecracker: because now there's like 20 different kinds of cheez-its
jamelah: there are like 20 different kids of cheez-its
jamelah: ok, seriously
firecracker: heh
jamelah: when i was looking at them, there were white cheddar ones, hot & spicy ones, big cheez-its, (where's the mini cheez-it love, though?) sour cream and onion cheez-its
jamelah: and i stood there and asked "okay, where are the regular cheez-its?"
firecracker: heh exactly
jamelah: and there were like, 2 boxes
jamelah: sour cream & onion cheez-its? come on
jamelah: where's the cheez?
firecracker: yeah that's like not even cheese
firecracker: or cheez rather
jamelah: sour cream... not cheez
jamelah: onion.... also not cheez
firecracker: i mean granted sour cream is dairy
firecracker: but i'm not sure "cheez" is even dairy
jamelah: so how can they, in good faith, make a sour cream & onion cracker product and call it a cheez it?
firecracker: because they are capitalist bastards
jamelah: oh the humanity!
firecracker: ok here's what i want to know
firecracker: oh wait
firecracker: maybe i should save this
firecracker: hmmm
firecracker: nah
jamelah: hah
firecracker: cheese nips... cheez-its
firecracker: explain that to me
jamelah: no difference
jamelah: well
jamelah: i think the cheez-it is superior to the cheese nip
jamelah: if only because of the presence of the z
firecracker: which ones seem perforated?
firecracker: i need to go look in my cracker box i think
jamelah: i think the cheez-it
firecracker: that's right
firecracker: cracker box
jamelah: hahah
firecracker: some people cawl 'em bread boxes
jamelah: mmmmmhmmmmm
jamelah: do you currently have both kinds?
firecracker: oh jamelah
firecracker: OOOOH JAMELAH
firecracker: I HAVE BOTH
jamelah: NO WAY!
firecracker: but the cheese nips are "white cheddar"
jamelah: it's a science experiment time
firecracker: granted they've probably been sitting there for like a year
jamelah: eh
jamelah: no big deal
firecracker: picture time

firecracker: ok i don't want to go crazy here
firecracker: but i just found a cup thing of mini-cheese nips
jamelah: this is indeed brilliant and necessary for the sake of the blog
firecracker: some cheddar mini ritz
jamelah: i'm really hungry now and could definitely go for cheez-its
firecracker: some cheese ritz chips
firecracker: and some gold fish
jamelah: dude
firecracker: what is wrong with me?
jamelah: you have a lot of cheese crackers
firecracker: we like to try a variety
jamelah: it's like a buffet of cheez
firecracker:
jamelah: oh man
jamelah: hahahaha
jamelah: dude, i'm gonna have to go buy some cheetos or something

stay tuned for more in-depth cheese cracker analysis and research...

jamelah: i don't think i've ever read anything by william carlos williams, except that red wheelbarrow poem
jamelah: and the introduction to howl
Firecracker: wheelbarrow enjambment
jamelah: i never got that poem
Firecracker: i don't even know what it is
Firecracker: skool me
jamelah: it's really short and i don't have it memorized or anything, but it basically just says "so much depends on a red wheelbarrow and three white chickens" and it might be raining, or something
jamelah: now i'm going to have to look it up
jamelah: yeah, here it is:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

Firecracker: hahahahahah
Firecracker: damn
Firecracker: that's beat
jamelah: i like it because it's like a painting, but i never did get what it means
Firecracker: right
jamelah: maybe it doesn't mean anything and it's just a painting
Firecracker: i want to end every poem with "beside the white chickens"
jamelah: but then... why does he say "so much depends"?
jamelah: ok, i'm not gonna get all english major on you
Firecracker: i think he means like even ordinary objects are important and beautiful in their own ways
Firecracker: or something
Firecracker: like the chickens need the wheelbarrow to escape from the farm
jamelah: like to cross the road?
Firecracker: yes
Firecracker: but because it's raining, they can't move it through the muck
jamelah: sweet. i never knew there was a wheelbarrow involved in all that.
Firecracker: but it's still sitting there in its enameled glory
Firecracker: a beacon of freedom
Firecracker: waiting
jamelah: man that's deep
Firecracker: well i try
jamelah: it all makes sense now
Firecracker: i think the key is in the glaze
Firecracker: much as it is the key with donuts
jamelah: so really, so much depends on the glaze
Firecracker: we should think on that
jamelah: glaze?
Firecracker: yes
jamelah: i like glazed donuts
Firecracker: me too
jamelah: mmmmdonuts
jamelah: do you realize how brilliant we are?
Firecracker: i think i do
jamelah: that we can start talking about william carlos williams
Firecracker: hahahah
jamelah: and end on glazed donuts?
Firecracker: i think we should blog this on the blog about nothing and resurrect that bad boy
jamelah: amen
jamelah: we are obsessed with food

mindless theater presents: singin' in the men

jamelah: do you still want to run away?
firecracker: yes
firecracker: let's go
jamelah: ok
jamelah: i'm all for it
jamelah: i can't do any talking or anything
jamelah: but who needs to talk to frolic?
firecracker: exactly!
jamelah: can we have cabana boys too?
firecracker: of course
firecracker: and cabana monkeys if we so desire
jamelah: awesome
jamelah: because i think the best cure for laryngitis has to be a margarita served by a sexy, bare-chested cabana boy
firecracker: with a monkey
jamelah: yes
jamelah: only if the monkey is wearing a little red suit
firecracker: oh yes!
jamelah: a sparkly little red suit
jamelah: and a beret
firecracker: and is washing a cat
jamelah: ha
jamelah: so would the monkey be on the cabana boy's shoulder?
jamelah: and how would it be washing the cat?
jamelah: i need to figure these things out
firecracker: it's rainin' men! hallelujah!
jamelah: do you ever wonder, if it ever rained men, if the men would be all injured and gross?
firecracker: probably
firecracker: unless they were the size of drops
jamelah: but if they were that small, what good would they be?
jamelah: unless they were like sea monkey men
jamelah: and you could add water and they'd become regular size
firecracker: HAHAHAHAH
jamelah: that would be pretty cool, i think
firecracker: but then would they die in the matter of days?
jamelah: hm
jamelah: maybe it would be necessary to have a constant deluge of raindrop-sized sea monkey men
firecracker: and would they wear those little crowns?
jamelah: only if you wanted them to
jamelah: but i think it would be kinda cool if they wore the little crowns
jamelah: because then they'd have some flair
jamelah: some panache
firecracker: i'm sure we could probably shrink down those burger king crowns
firecracker: hm
firecracker: so let me get this straight
firecracker: we have cabana boys with cat washing monkeys in sparkly red suits
jamelah: and berets
firecracker: and little mendrops
firecracker: yes berets
firecracker: for they are beat
firecracker: but does this mean
jamelah: do their poems suck?
firecracker: that like my hair would be soaked in men?
firecracker: that just sounds dirty
firecracker: of course they do
jamelah: ah
jamelah: this is an issue i hadn't thought of
jamelah: maybe you'd need a man umbrella
firecracker: manbrella
jamelah: exactly!
firecracker: too close to nelson mandela
jamelah: hahahah
jamelah: maybe you could stay inside and just put a jar on your porch to catch the mandrops
firecracker: good idea
firecracker: a little mangauge
firecracker: gauge?
firecracker: is that right?
jamelah: yeah
firecracker: damn tricky words
jamelah: but it looks like "language"
jamelah: sorta
jamelah: manguage
firecracker: wahahah
firecracker: i think i'm not very fluent in manguage
jamelah: i'm certain that i'm not
firecracker: sounds a lot like manwich actually
jamelah: yeah
firecracker: all hail sloppy joe
jamelah: it always ends up being about food

he gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute but there's more to it than that, faithful reader...

he's been the king of your utlility closet for decades now... and he's stayed as vibrant as ever. yet, there seems to be this rumor that just won't go away. and that is that mr. clean is gay. this is the insidious rumor that's kept him out of your grandmother's mop-bucket and your pastor's pew sterilization routine... well john q. public, i'm here to tell you one thing, and that's simply this: yes, he is. say it loud, say it proud, my cleaning mascot aficianados... mr. clean is a flaming homosexual and there's nothing you can do about it. and honestly, why would you want to? he's doing his job and he does it with a smile. as the song says, he gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute, he'll clean your whole house and everything that’s in it! and do we really need any more than that? no, i think not. who cares if he's seeing the whole army of scrubbing bubbles on the side? heard he had a thing going with chore-boy? does that affect how he makes your sinks sparkle and your floors shine like brand new? i didn't think so. so he's gay! isn't everyone entitled to a private life? even genie-like ambassadors of sanitation? i think so. this is america, dammit, and i say even product mascots have rights against discrimination. so next time you see mr. clean with his snazzy golden earring and skin-tight white t-shirt, reach out and shake his hand... because he is what is standing between you and unimaginable filth. and i, personally, wouldn't have it any other way. god bless you, mr. clean.