Monday, January 27, 2003

blogstreet's back: and talkin' 'bout the game

so i actually watched the superbowl, including about 2 hours of pre-game coverage. but as we all know, the superbowl isn't about the game itself, it's about all the hoopla that surrounds, intersects and overtakes it. the football teams are just an excuse for people to get away with crap they normally wouldn't get away with. like pairing santana with beyonce, or allowing baboons to drink soda. but never fear, just in case you haven't had enough analysis of the game, the festivities and the commercials, the blog about nothing is here to serve. that's right, i'm stepping up to the plate, answering the call and writing down my random musings about superbowl xxxvii for posterity. yeah.

being the reclusive mystery that i am, i did not have plans to either attend or throw a party for the occasion. in order to focus on my new role as a member of the media -- the propaganda machine if you will-- i decided to watch the game from my own living room with my mini-cracker. our thoughts....

the top five moments that made me never want to watch the superbowl again
5. the freakish pairing of beyonce with santana
4. the constant mention of the 8 million dollar deal between the bucs and raiders: shut up already.
3. the idiotic parody interview with bill romanowski about his flippin' goldfish.
2. celine dion. in any form.
1. close-ups of the multitude of 'dancers' there is a reason there are so many of them -- don't focus on any individual. gah!

the top five things that made me stand up and say amen
5. interceptions!
4. watching ozzy fuss with a trash bag.
3. sting. mmmm. sting. ok, it wasn't the best performance in the world, and gwen being a skank about it, don't even get me started. but sting. sting.
2. the terry tate office linebacker commercial. because tackling people makes me very happy. very happy indeed.
1. dude: the franken-calzone... it lives ! it liiiiiiiiives!

sidenotes from a five year old:
regarding shania twain: "she looks like a vampire"
regarding gwen stefani: "she's dressed up pretty nice"
regarding touchdowns: "is that a good thing mommy?"
regarding the teams: "i think i'll just root for both"

and i think that just about sums it up. a nice game with the underdog winning... pulpy entertainment and mildly amusing advertisements. and john madden. what more could a girl ask for?

Friday, January 17, 2003


all we are sayin' is give peace a chance...

i've been asked by various betting agencies to help them come up with some odds for a few very important cage matches coming up in the 2003 season. so... i'll ask you: are you ready to rumble????

1. apple sauce vs. apple butter while it would seem that apple sauce would win due to its sheer popularity. but consider the power of apple butter's spicy kick. sure it's from the country, but they got diff'rent rules for fightin' out there, if you know what i mean. apple butter is sexy and saucy... and pins apple sauce in seconds flat.

2. american idol vs. star search american idol may have more attitude, but star search has ed mcmahon... and ed can kick anyone's ass. anyone. ed and his prize patrol of pain.

3. shake your bon-bon vs. livin' la vida loca tough match here. at first i was inclined to pick livin' la vida loca right off the back as the clear winner... it has a violent streak... and it's crazy. however shake your bon-bon comes on strong just before the bell with its repetitive shaking of the bon-bon and crushes livin' la vida loca with amazing force thanks to lyrics like "i'm a desperado... underneath your window". shake your bon-bon pulls out all the stops to win and has the crowd out of their seats and singing this infectious groove all day long.

4. scary spice vs. allspice the spice girls only had power as a group, so now that they are a defunct and shattered dream... allspice comes off the rack and crashing into the arena, defeating anything in its path. it's got the benefit of all-encompassing goodness... it wants it all and it wants it now.

5. miss cleo vs. a magic 8 ball the magic 8-ball is a classic favorite and has dominated the fortune telling scene for years... but this jamaican seer quickly puts the hurt on the 8-ball with phrases such as "he be the daddy" and "call me now"... "it is decidedly so" never had a chance.

6. dick cheney vs. dick clark let's see... a heartbeat away vs. it's got a beat and i can dance to it. tough choice, but i'm going to have to go with clark. he's apparently defeated aging, so i'm going to have to predict that there's nothing he can't beat.

7. krispy kreme vs. dunkin' donuts krispy kreme is clearly a superior donut product... it's made fresh each day right before your eyes... it's inspired a cult of loyal followers. so how can we even call this a fair fight? two words: blueberry munchkin. dunkin' donuts uses this secret weapon to come at krispy kreme from all sides and shows it that it's truly "time to make the donuts".

8. pat sajack vs. alex trebek sajack: he's built up those arms over the years spinning that wheel. i'd take "he'll whoop my ass" for $300, alex.

9. bozo the clown vs. homey da clown homey's got the skills from the 'hood... he's rumbled in the bronx and took on south central. i predict bozo's going to be 'jumped in'.

10. turkey bacon vs. real bacon let's get this straight right here and right now. turkey bacon is not bacon at all. i barely believe that it's turkey. do me a favor and stay on the thanksgiving table turkey, because real bacon will! go! all! the! way!

hooo-ah!

Thursday, January 16, 2003

the blog about nothing answers the tough questions...

we've come to the part of the week where we answer a few of the hundreds of reader mail we get each day. these are real letters from real people! (it's amazing, i know!) i think you'll enjoy them just as much as we have, if not more.

dear the blog about nothing,
HOT -MARRIED - LADIES ARE WAITING... Do you Wnat to meet REAL married women in search of Sex Encounters On The Side, in the US and 20 other countries ?

dear reader,
um. wow. this totally making us reconsider our own weekend plans. it's so nice that women around the world are working hard for something more. our only concern is your emphasis on the word REAL... have there been that many artificial married women in search of the elusive Sex Encounter On the Side that this distinction needs to be made? in caps, no less. (sidenote: why is it that i seem to be relegated to answering the group of reader mail with large amounts of capitalization and invitations in the form of hyperlinks that seem to take over my browser? i know our readers are excited, but come on now...) in any case, we wish all of our HOT MARRIED LADY readers out there the best of luck in their quest. yeah.

ps: we think you mean "want", not "wnat". unless we're not down with some of the new slang terms. in which case, oh yeah, we wnat it.




dear the blog about nothing,
Did you know it is now perfectly legal for you to own your own cable descrambler box?


dear reader,
we really had no idea. really? hm. well... while the blog about nothing certainly enjoys a few cable shows from time to time, such as lifetime movies and the iron chef, as our popularity grows we have found that we just don't have much time for kicking back and enjoying fine quality programming like we used to. however, we hope that you certainly enjoy your freshly pirated entertainment.

sincerely,
the blog about nothing


such amazing mail pouring in... i can't wait to see what the inbox has in store for next week!

Wednesday, January 15, 2003


they paved paradise...

ok. today i just have to rant. and there is no counter-point that will be acceptable to me. i'm annoyed, and this has been brewing in my mind for some time, but today it all came to a head. today, as i took the last two midols out of the cabinet, i heard adam duritz of the counting crows whining out the joni mitchell classic "big yellow taxi". i immediately felt violently ill. i wanted to vomit. i wanted to cry. i wanted to hunt him down and ask "for the love of god, why??". why is it that certain people feel the need to cover songs that have already sufficiently been performed?? this is a mystery to me. in this specific instance, he has taken a song that was unnecessary to re-make and then sings it badly. very badly. and i demand to know -- why?

in today's world, i feel there is no need to be subjected to this kind of selfish behavior. people have rights and i have the right not to turn on the radio and hear this kind of garbage. (as a side note, i'm not even going to get into a counting crows-specific rant, because i need to remained focused on the real issue here.) why do we have to hear the dixie chicks sing "landslide", when everyone still has the obviously superior original stevie nicks version on their play lists? why do we have to endure eddie vedder singing the 1964 classic "last kiss"? it makes no sense. no sense at all. and it drives me completely insane. in virtually every case where a popular song has been 'covered' by any current act, it quite frankly sucks. it is said that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. i would hazard a guess that people could do without this type of twisted flattery. the only way i will even reconsider is if you can name five songs that have been covered where the more recent version is better than the original. unless you can do this, i'm going to continue on my own personal jihad against the re-make.

so my plea is this: write something new, sing it well and just make this issue go away. because, i'm out of midol and it won't be pretty.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003


would you like to biggie size that?

it's a question asked around the world every day... and the answer is a resounding yes... yes ... YES! yes, virginia, size does matter. it's not that i don't think stamina is a nice quality... of course it is. who doesn't like stamina? but the fact remains that when all is said and done, size is king. (because let's face it, when it's over, it's over and stamina no longer matters... yet size is there, and you can't ignore it.) let's face it, size is hugely popular. (yeah i know, that was bad, but i couldn't help it.)

now, i could sit here and type all day about specific instances of size brutally bludgeoning stamina, or about my own personal observations and experiences. but i don't even need to do that. we're going to take this on over to the cage and let size and stamina duke it out the way nature intended. stamina may be over here, and then over there, jumping around like a flea with its boundless energy -- but size is here and there... it's everywhere. in fact, size is so overpowering it wins just by showing up. even with the trend of streamlining and simplification where some may claim "less is more!", really... most of the time, less is just... well, less. (as a side note, i'm actually inclined to feel sorry for stamina... it's not really an even match here. it's the consolation prize... always used defensively, as in 'yeah but i've got staying power'. uh. yeah. i never really bought that as a valid rebuttal, and i don't think you do either.)

you can use the drum-beating bunny argument alll you want and say "yeah, but stamina keeps on going, and going, and going", but i'm not talking about needing batteries here, ladies. the fact is, sure, a faucet can drip all night, but it's no match for a tidal wave.

to sum it up: yes, bigger is most certainly better, as sir mixalot proved in his groundbreaking dissertation, baby got back. "omigod. it's. so. big." amen, i say, and thank the lord!

Monday, January 13, 2003



monday's child should run like hell (and other funny stories of my youth)

ahhh monday. what an appropriate topic... for... a ... monday. ahem. while monday may seem to be an unwitting scapegoat for the ills of the world, i don't generally believe in innocence so easily. monday wants you to think it's just a victim of awful placement in the week -- the truth is that monday kicks people in the balls and laughs about it. it doesn't just laugh about it, it laughs about it while you're writhing around in pain and then goes and tells all its friends what a worthless schmuck you are.

ball crushing aside, the mamas and the papas once sang "monday, monday... can't trust that day"... i think we should heed these words. 'it's just a day' you might think... and it's exactly that kind of thinking that gets you into trouble. what other day repeatedly proclaims itself to be an 'observed' holiday... prolonging your weekend, only to come back the next week uglier and more powerful? the lure of the three day weekend is too much for most, and you buy into the Memorial Days... the Labor Days... the Columbus Days, et al. but no matter how you look at it, monday is still just a weekday in weekend's clothing. the next thing you know, your schedule is thrown off, not only do you have all the other mondays to shrink back in fear from, you now have tuesday forced into being monday's prison bitch. of course monday puts its hands up in helpless protest... "it's not my fault," it says... "talk to the government". (don't even get me started on how the government is completely infested with monday's corruption.)

one last piece of evidence that monday is the satan of all days: the song "manic monday" by the bangles. this song is so horrid and should never have been written, let along sung. it offers no insight, no sage wisdom... just trite pop musings over a trashy background track that was probably composed by monday itself.

monday: don't say i didn't warn you.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

firecracker: am i wearing the bling or is jesus
jamelah: jesus
jamelah: though he might share the bling
jamelah: because i hear he's a nice, giving fellow
firecracker: then why didn't he turn water into bling?
jamelah: hmmm... very important question
jamelah: and i am afraid i have no answer
jamelah: i guess though
jamelah: i mean, this is just speculation on my part
firecracker: of course
jamelah: but even though bling blings to the bling bling, or whatever, it does not intoxicate you in any way that is real and lasting
jamelah: and i think jesus is about real and lasting change
jamelah: or intoxication
jamelah: and i am going to hell
firecracker: jesus is all about everlasting intoxication
firecracker: i see
jamelah: something like that
jamelah: i mean, it's better than eternal damnation, that's for sure
firecracker: that's pretty major
firecracker: i must have skipped that psalm or something
jamelah: yeah i know, it's a definite theological principle
jamelah: drunk on wine... it's like spiritual and all
jamelah: although, and this is just my experience, but wine causes the nastiest hangovers
jamelah: i'm wondering what bearing this has on all of this
firecracker: i think that depends on the wine
firecracker: i mean if it's water into wine wine
firecracker: maybe that's smoother?
jamelah: good point
jamelah: i can't say
jamelah: as i have never had this type of wine
jamelah: i wonder how much of a kick it could possibly have, though
firecracker: well it's divine
jamelah: ok, question
jamelah: if jesus makes the wine, will it cause a hangover?
firecracker: i think unless you've accepted the lord jesus christ into your heart as your personal savior, no.
jamelah: so if
jamelah: if
jamelah: you accept the christian salvation plan
jamelah: then if you drink jesus-created wine
jamelah: you're footloose and hangover free?
firecracker: as if you were kenny loggins himself
jamelah: so is kenny loggins divine?
firecracker: well i'm not a religious scholar by any means
firecracker: but i think all the signs are there
jamelah: so does kenny loggins have a drinking problem? that's the most important part of this, of course
jamelah: well that
jamelah: and what about kenny loggins and the bling? can we make such a connection?
firecracker: well, sometimes i have a hard time remembering which is kenny loggins and which is richard marx
firecracker: that said
firecracker: i think that kenny is more of an earthy type, much like a certain man from nazareth
firecracker: and while he may not be about the bling or wearing a lot of bling
firecracker: or even interested in bling so much
firecracker: he definitely IS the bling incarnate
firecracker: and i believe i read that in ecclesiastes
jamelah: kenny loggins is the bling incarnate?
jamelah: you know, it's interesting that you bring up richard marx
jamelah: because i hate richard marx
jamelah: but that is not the point i would like to make
firecracker: well that was no coincidence
firecracker: but rather a carefully planted seed
jamelah: i think richard marx would be all about the bling, but i don't think the bling would really be all about richard marx... which means, of course, that richard marx gets terrible hangovers
firecracker: i think that's probably an accurate portrayal
jamelah: what was that one richard marx song about the dead girl?
jamelah: or was that warrant?
firecracker: richard marx
jamelah: but wait
firecracker: about down by the river or something
jamelah: yeah and they thought he killed her
firecracker: yeah i know whatchu talkin' about
jamelah: but he was too busy with the mad dog 20/20 to kill anybody
jamelah: but this does not negate the fact that i do rather vividly remember a warrant song about dead people
firecracker: oh i'm sure
jamelah: and i'm not talkin' about cherry pie, either
firecracker: and i can't believe you just said mad dog 20/20 because i swear i was thinking that
firecracker: of course, we all know that's about communism
jamelah: exactly
jamelah: as are most of warrant's songs
jamelah: i mean, remember "i saw red"?
firecracker: heh
jamelah: obviously about communist cell meetings